Wait for It
by writeallnight
Summary: "He hadn't expected that their end might come before their beginning."


A/N: I'm a huge musical theatre nerd. HUGE. When I first heard the song "Wait for It" from Hamilton I knew immediately that it was special. It speaks to my heart. I understand Aaron Burr so well during that moment. That feeling of not being able to do anything and just waiting, _waiting_ , for whatever is going to happen next. It's the most empty feeling and I can only imagine it's what Deeks is experiencing right now as he waits to find out what is going to happen to Kensi. This story is a little different from how I usually do song-fic. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

 _Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints….  
_ He hadn't known that love was sitting by your partner's side for hours, watching to make sure she was still breathing. Or giving up your bed for the world's most uncomfortable chair so that you could spend every moment outside of work with her. And that none of it would matter because you were so numb and weary and scared that you wouldn't want to be anywhere else. That love could wring you out until you had nothing left and you would keep going anyway. That your life could become a literal nightmare, forcing you to relive your darkest moments together, over and over and over again.

 _It takes…  
_ Afghanistan.

 _And it takes…  
_ The IA investigation.

 _And it takes…  
_ Syria.

 _We laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes…  
_ It was costing him to love her. He'd never realized until now, that the price for binding his soul to hers would be so steep. That in giving into her he'd given up the safety of a solitary life, and this crippling pain was the toll.

 _And if there's a reason I'm by her side when so many have tried…  
_ Sitting with her was hell. Leaving her was worse. It was like physically carving out a piece of himself and leaving it behind. The thought that something might happen while he was gone and she would slip away without him by her side haunted his every moment until he returned.

 _I'm willing to wait for it.  
_ She was all he had.

 _I'm willing to wait for it.  
_ He couldn't lose her.

 _Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints…  
_ He told himself that she was going to get well; that she was going to wake up. Over and over and over he told himself, told everyone else, tried with every fiber of his being to believe it. But saying the words didn't stop the icy fear that gripped him in the dark hours of the night. He'd seen death, knew it more intimately than he cared to admit, and he felt it now, whispering doubts in his ear that he couldn't ignore.

 _It takes…  
_ Boyle. His father.

 _And it takes…  
_ Traynor. Thapa. Hunter.

 _And it takes…  
_ Kensi.

 _And we keep living anyway…  
_ This wasn't supposed to happen yet. They were supposed to have a life together first. A wedding. A home. Babies. They were supposed to retire to a beach somewhere and grow old and gray. There should have been a lifetime of memories before this moment. He hadn't expected that their end might come before their beginning.

 _We rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes…  
_ They were frozen in time together. The world moved on but here they sat, their entire lives on pause as life continued without them. It felt like an eternity since he had seen her eyes, her smile, heard her voice. He ached for her in a way he hadn't thought possible. How was it possible to miss someone with all your heart when they were lying right next to you?

 _And if there's a reason I'm still alive when everyone who loves me has died…  
_ He would have given anything to take her place in that bed. God knew if anyone deserved it, he did. This had to be some sort of great, cosmic error. His mistakes had nearly destroyed both of them. The injustice of it was overwhelming.

 _I'm willing to wait for it.  
_ She deserved better than him. She deserved someone braver, stronger, someone who had made far fewer mistakes. But she'd chosen him. She'd stood by him. He wouldn't fail her now.

 _I'm willing to wait for it.  
_ The ring was a promise that he would see her through this no matter the outcome. That even if their beautiful, perfect future was gone for good, he would be by her side until the end.

 _Wait for it…  
_ Even if it killed him, he wouldn't walk away.

 _Wait for it…_

 _Wait for it…_

"Wait for It"  
 _Hamilton_


End file.
